07 March 2004

So I just got off the phone with you....

about an hour ago, and I have to admit to being a little in shock. I really want to call you back, but I can't b/c I don't want to wake everyone up, so I won't.
You caught me off-guard with this one, babe. Postponing it until Dec is kind of a long time. I wish you had talked to me before actually deciding things. I would have told you we can work something out finiancially, I would have pointed out that it just means that much longer being apart. I would have pointed out that you have really lousy timing.
You don't tell a mensutrating girl that you want to put off marrying her. It causes her to think all sorts of things. Like that you're trying to find a way to back out of this. To leave her. Again.
And I know that's not a fair thing to say, because you have changed and you are more mature and I know that. I really do. But the thought did crawl into my head and stay there for awhile, that perhaps that is what was being attempted.
Baby, if I could just get you to sit down and talk with me. To explain to me exactly what is bothering you, and let me help a little with the decision making, I'd like to work things out together. That's kind of the whole point in the getting married thing, isn't it? To have a partner, someone to help you when you feel overwhelmed, someone to just shut up and hold you when life gets shitty. Someone you can be there for when things are flipped around and it's your turn to be the only sane thing in an insane world.
Someone to love and to be loved by.
If you really want to wait a year, we will. But I wish you would talk to me about it.
I've never wanted you to feel forced or rushed into anything.
I love you.

- your only -

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