06 June 2004

What I *want* to say

You don't think growing up in that house was the least bit emotionally damaging? Yeah, you're right, eight times out of ten I didn't wind up with bruises. But I have so many emotional and mental problems, it's not even funny.
I can count on one hand the number of people I'm willing to trust. I can't have a real conversation with anyone. There's only been two people in my life that I've been willing to tell exactly what I feel and what's going on. One's gone and I'm marrying the other.
I can't get have an actual friendship with most people, because I'm too worried about whether or not they'll approve of whatever.
I have no social skills whatsoever, because I was kept from all possible social events as a child, except of course religious ones. Do you know how hard it is to waitress when you're fighting nerves and nausua brought on from having to speak to a stranger?
And I couldn't have friendships with any one there becuase I dared to not agree with every single nit picking thing.
I wasn't allowed to disagree with anyone growing up. I couldn't have an opinion that differed from you or my father, god knows no one dared disagree with St Matt or the venerable school board. For christ's sake, I wasn't allowed to wear certain fabrics! Do you really wonder why I rejected all of that so violently?
Do you know how hard it was for me to even agree to getting married in a church by a pastor? The idea made me nauseous.
And I never wanted to take money from you guys. I tried damn hard to make sure I didn't take more than I had too. I went without a lot of shit most people would label nessecary, because I didn't want to take money from you. You think I enjoyed having that hang over my head? I should have known that it would come back and bite me, that you would wind up using it against me. And you want me to let you lend me money after this? Do I look that stupid?
The whole damn email you sent is nothing but a calculated guilt trip and that is not appreciated. Did it ever occure to you that I don't care whether or not you feel sorry for me? In fact, I'd rather not have your damn pity, all I wanted was for you to even *pretend* that you understood where I was coming from.

- your only -

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