21 July 2005

Disconnected

Something has changed over the last year or so. I'm not sure quite what it is.
I just used to feel so...alone...cut off
There was this part of me that I just couldn't let anyone into. I didn't want anyone to get too close.
I even held some of my best friends at arm's length. Something I regret now.
I felt so disconnected, so seperate from everyone and everything. Like I was just watching, not participating.

God, I sound like I'm high. *sigh* I'm trying to explain, but I'm struggling.

I just feel more, complete....connected to life. Like I'm actually here, and not just drifting through unhappily.
It happened so slowly that I didn't realize it until just recently. But I'm *happy*
Even during the really bad moments that occur occasionally, I'm happy.
I'm not depressed. The "I'm worthless, and no one would notice if I just left." thoughts are gone.
The suicidal thoughts that I've had to deal with since what 12? they're GONE (knock on wood)

Part of me is thrilled to discover this, and to be honest, a part of me is also a little scared.
That depressed/suicidal/cold persona was such a large part of me for the last 8-9 yrs, who am I without it?

- your only -

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