16 April 2006

Bad Spot

I'm in a bad place tonight. And I don't know what, in particular, set me off. I've been "off" all day. Slamming things, and banging things, and fighting the urge to slice again. I hate that. I hate that I still have to fight that. I hate that I feel like I can't tell my own husband when I'm fighting that, for fear of being judged.
I hate that I can't trust the insensitive prick not to make me feel like shit.
I hate that today, I've decided he's an insensitive prick, when most days he puts me and our daughter far ahead of himself...
I hate that I'm being all pissy, and I hate that I'm back to suicidal. I want to know what caused it. And I hate that I'm sure I won't know.
I'm afraid that this is "the start". The start of something I've dealt w/for so long, the thing that goes away and then comes back when I least expect it. The thing that has thank gawd been absent for so long. I fear it is creeping back. And so here I sit, alone in my house, drunk off of red wine(a bit different from the JD that used to be my liquor of choice, that's for sure) ever so sure that alcohol was a bad adition to my current issues, fighting the urge to reach for that knife....
Will I ever be "cured"? Gawd, I thought I was. It's been almost 2yrs since I last cut, and bled, and enjoyed it. Two-fucking-years. How long till it dies?

- your only -

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